UPDATE: So I'm giving Youtube a try aha

Hello beautiful people of the blog world <3,

So I've been missing in action on here, mainly because of school and work; both having such a demand for my time.

I have decided to make an effort to not only try to get back into my writing ( mostly because I've had writer's block for a while now) but also try out Youtube. I know someone's probably thinking " really...YOUTUBE!!?" aha

I spend majority of my time sitting in my room with my dog or with a pen and loads of notes, so I thought id be more productive and make something out of that. I don't go out much...I am a home body!

I don't know what type of YouTuber I'd be...I've dabbled into my school skills (which i look like a total piece of shit in) and even skincare. Guess I'll venture around there till I find something that gets me going.

Remember you are beautiful and deserve the best from life <3 no matter what

PS. the link for my channel is right below if you were curious ! <3

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWayeQ-efUiKDGASnZ6aXCQ

I would do it again

I tore my heart out for you 

Told you that I loved you 

Said that even if I died I would support you 

I would be near you , to hold you and tell you, that I never truly left you 

See you flourish, see you thrive 

See every memory of me diminish

As you carry on living your life 

But that is foreseen 

Those who once were; fade like autumn's first breeze 

I... I torn my heart out for you 

That’s why I died 

I gave all I had, 

You tossed my heart out like trash 

didn't understand the detriments of my past

So here I am,

Watching over you 

Because I still love you

And maybe one day you’ll love me 

Letting go of all the words 

Letting go of all the remorse 

Letting go... 

I’m letting go when I know

That it’s time to go Home 

Till now

Here I am 

Watching you grow 

Watching you shine 

Because despite it all 

I loved you 

I torn my heart out for you 

& 

I would do it again 

Can I say Goodbye ?

If I fall today 

No regrets to the grave

Tell my mom I died smiling to the heavens

Thanking God for the life he gave me

For showing me that not everything was about me 

My first world problems would be blessings to the third

I wish I could have stood hand in hand watching the fresh water flow

It's not my life to live

I'll come back when the time is right

I'm sorry I was never what you wanted

Sorry I was more a screw up than a marvel

Sorry I wasn't male

I'm just sorry

I'll never be anything

But if I die today

I won't stay, this is my Goodbye from the grave 

I was never great, but I tried 

& right now, that doesn't matter 

because I'm gone 

Now even people I didn't know 

are crying, saying how great I was , 

remembering all the good times 

saying how they wish they reached out 

In reality you people didn't give a fuck 

you see cameras, you show all the fake love 

It's like you save it all for the recently dead

humanity disgusts me 

You only care when lights are flashing 

There's more love in the fame than there is in honesty 

If I fall today 

I have no regrets in this grave 

I didn't live much 

but i know i don't want to live this way  

I've taken too much shit to think 

I couldn't stick around for more of this 

I haven't done much 

but I've done enough to know 

it's my time to go 

Say hello to the souls 

stranded on earth 

Maybe I'll stick around to haunt a few hoes 

I have no reason to be 

No reason to grow 

No reason to say 

I'll stay & see how the rest goes

I'm over it, 

Can't be bothered with it 

Tell my Mama

I'm sorry but I'm leaving early 

The world just isn't ready for my level of creativity 

Seek Peace & Pursue it

It's another day... another day closer to where you want to be in life. Moments like this make you wonder; who you will be on the same day in a couple of years. Will all your efforts pay off, will the struggle now really produce the easy going care free life.

I had someone very close to me say that " What ifs get you no where" do not wonder about the what-ifs in a situation, you need to tell yourself that:

 " This is it, there are no what-ifs here, I know where I want to be in life and I will get there"

Do not ever forget who you are in the process and do not let the pain of yesterday and those believed failures effect you. They were lessons, moments of realization that are needed now and then.

No one is perfect, we all have our demons and I'm not here to tell you to go and find trouble; but experience life, let life unveil itself to you but do not stand around when your intervention is needed.

Our decisions do not define us or make us, we decide how those decisions effect us, whether they be positive or negative. But no circumstance can alter our destiny, it is written how it is written by God. You might have detours, but the story stays the same. We make choices and though we do not decide the outcome, we choose how we react and take the outcome; whether it be in your favour or not.

 Having a negative thought about anything is okay & though society pressures us to always have a positive outlook on life and any form of negative processing is frowned upon; it is okay.

Society should never say who you are as a person and it should never be the underlying reason for a decision. I am Me and my thoughts and my decision are based off of my judgment. Society feels the need to tell people how to think and what is considered normal.

My normal is what i say it is and if that is Abnormal in this twisted world then heyyy " who asked you?!" is what I really have to say.

What the world does not understand is that every situation has its pros and cons; we have to CHOOSE what we look at and embrace; but i sit here and ask you

"do you really have to choose one or the other...what if i don't want to, what if i see it a different way"

 I do see it a different way, Pros are what you have been conditioned to look for but i see my cons as my strength, its not going to break me down but show me where i need to improve, show me my weakness, show me what this world doesn't want me seeing as positive. I will use my weakness against the obstacles because the obstacles know my strength and know how to counteract.

Because I know how to see both as ways for me to evolve, no con is my set back but another step up. If you see it as a set back it will be a set back. You take it as a heart break, it will be a heart break. Take what the world sees as a problem as a progressive step up. Your car broke down on the highway but you survived that car pile up 1km away; He was more interested in your friend then you, well now you can invest more in yourself, date yourself, not be the one getting cheated on.

You need to stop seeing the world, how you're expected to see it and perceive it your way! IMAGINE  and LIVE your wonders, embrace your pros and cons as step ups, new ways to level up your evolution.

BE THE ULTIMATE YOU! Don't be an earthling, Be an Alien.

Rare, but Not Sought For

You're as Beautiful as the day I lost you
As bright as the day your Mama conceived you

you were the needle in the hay stack that no one bothered to look for
the Emerald Jade that took more lives than making them
A type of different that only some are fortunate to encounter
you are that 9th planet that science keeps searching for

& when you came around no one noticed

You had dreams, you had aspirations
you could look at trash and make it a marvellous creation
They saw scraps, you saw sculptures
You ran miles, they gave up turning at the corner

& Yet, you got labelled anything but creative

your pain made you a rare creature
you learned to convert what you knew you could not change
Even the greatest of minds, had their internal dangers
Black and white surrounded by grey matter
spinal cord leading to the right side of the border

& This world, is full of bullshit views and labels

you were the rain in the dessert
the light in places where it dares not shine
they tried to change you, they couldn't handle your brilliance
the fear of change is why society captures the different
why they diagnose and treat what did not need fixing

& no cure is found, because no one is looking

money raised, where is it going
you ran your thoughts till you could not think straight
even your outwards thinking needed convicting
but where are they going, whose thinking those thoughts now

Their gone.
you were rare, you were precious
no one saw the potential in your vision
labeled crazy like the rest of the brilliant
You had an answer, you had a reason
shot down before the prime was noticed

see nothing different is ever sought for
its labeled a problem that needs correction

Say " I am different & I will be known"
Do not ever let them tell you, who you are
Don't let them decide for you, make that move for you

 because only you decide what you make of

....yourself
 

I am that OUTLIER

 Well from what you'll be reading a piece of it...majority of them are just my thoughts and this is my way of dealing with it. I WRITE for my own sanity. 

For the longest time, all I remember is always feeling useless, worthless, nothing much to offer to the world or to my family, and to be honest even till this day it’s never changed; I still feel that way. I suffered from depression from grade 6 and onwards, suicide came much later in my life. 

aha, the funniest thing is, I can't tell anyone that, people see me as a happy, quiet person and letting them know my indifference in thought, would throw me some pretty different reactions and I’m not ready to ever deal with that. I can also add that; I am not too sure if I will be publishing this or not. But if I do, I don't know, I guess I was feeling gutsy or I have totally lost my marbles; and in all excuses, I might have accidentally published instead of save (likely not the case)  

Nowadays, people see someone complaining about their problems or even asking for help as seeking attention or "attention seeker" and I don't need that. Majority of my life, I've refused to ever let anyone know the things I go through. I will listen to anyone's problems and I will happily give advice but I will never complain or let anyone feel pity for me. Truth to the matter is, that no one genuinely cares to know "how you are doing?”, they ask just to be polite; so giving a generic answer is to spare the rolling eyes and heavy sighs. 

I’m quiet and that's cause I’m always thinking, just about life and how I’m going to survive and whether I’ll get where I want to be in life. Even strong people have mental breakdowns and sadly, I have more of those than I would like. In a personal view, I saw having one mental breakdown as okay, it is a part of life; in most cases, it brings people a little bit back to reality as opposed to being in lucid thoughts for a long period. 

Back to what I was saying...

Suicide, now that's something else. And may the souls of people that have committed suicide, I pray you all RIP :(. You all had beautiful lives and sadly, something pushed you so far to do such a thing. If only someone was there for you to understand, but not all of us are fortunate like that. Love the life you have, you only get one and many are short lived.  

Suicidal thoughts... It's like having something creep up on you and hit you...multiple times at once. All the failures, fears, built up emotions; bombarding your brain simultaneously. It’s like anxiety, multiplied to maximum levels. You can't view anything in a positive manner and the best thing we do is to fake the happiness. Depression and suicide are categorized together on a regular basis but understand this though; they are highly correlated but there are those few outliers, where these two are total opposites. 

Depression; feeling like nothing is going right and you must live like this for the rest of your life, and having the death thought is totally outside the box; these people still have their external emotions intact, their depression hits them when they are left alone with their thoughts, when something in their day goes off course. They suppress the depression because the emotions they feel when around ones they are fond of over take those of depression. 

With suicide... it’s a whole different concept, this is a constant thought that keeps running though their mind. It never stops! you could be displaying socially constructed proved behaviours but your thoughts are eating at you and unfortunately people fall victim to the thoughts and take their own lives. For me, my serious fear of death or to be medically correct my thanatophobia, keeps me from this and in all honesty, it is one of the things I am grateful for, yes my fear of death is mortifying but it has kept me from the worst mistake I could ever make. I know someone is thinking right now that " how are those different? they still sound the same" I have one thing to say to you ... I AM THAT OUTLIER. For them...it is a totally different feeling and I can tell the difference between them. My depression is one that I experience more than the other and my suicidal thoughts I have no control over but thank God I don't have those very often. Tbh, it is very rare but it unfortunately occurs. I can't help it and it’s something I know I must live with. I have gotten good at suppressing it but there is only so much I can do.  

It has taken me a long time to be where I am today and let me tell you when they say it’s the struggle that makes you ... no joke! My struggle made me who I am today and many things I am not proud of but looking at my bricked path I can say I came a very long way. I am not as shy or reserved as I once was. I look at the world as a place full of secrets that have not been revealed, and need to be searched for. What one sees as the night sky being just pitch black with a million little dots, I see souls, dreams, hope, a view into unknown territories of space, believing that somewhere out there; there is someone looking back at me from their world and possibly seeking and wondering the same as me. They say that there are  about 7 people in the world that have the same or similar face as you and I always thought that if their were only 7 here, imagine the millions out there. I could never keep my thoughts to the ground or in the box.... I was always stuck in my mind, in space, in places only few dare to wander. 

I have been through a lot in my life, and to this day; I don't understand myself as to why I am still an optimistic person. When I was a kid, I was trouble and as I got older, I had a serious identity crisis. I didn't know who I was or why the situations occurring were happening to me. For many reasons and out of respect, I won't say what happened because it’s not my story line to tell but it was scary. I have witnessed things no child ... no one, for that matter; should see stuff like that, but it happens ... like phenomenas that you'd only see in movies; horror or sci-fi to be exact. 

yeah, you read that right. 

Thinking about it now, it seems unreal but it happened on more than one occasion. Now after the unfortunate events occurred. Life went back to normal or what was left of my thoughts towards normalcy. Life went on and then the sadly obvious things happened. Many periods in my life, I was bullied, to points where I completely hated myself, I didn't understand why I even existed. It was a war zone in my mind and I was dying in the process. Suicidal thoughts did creep up on me and many times I considered it. I always thought; If I just did this, then I would have been free. Not having to deal with the cruel people around me and just be a free spirit. I would not feel like the waste of space that I was. I would not cause people any pain or annoyance with my existence around them. I always felt like I was unwanted everywhere I went. It killed me inside. I never had anyone to really talk to and writing become my safe haven. My pen and paper could not judge me but showed me the mistakes in ways that would not hurt me. The keys and the sound of typing, gave me a comfort, I was free to say what i wanted with the unwanted expressions. 

Enough about me (even though I'm talking about myself, but I'm trying to make this relatable for the ones that need it, you are not alone.) 

You know when it creeps up, its the worst. You fear the night cause that's when it comes on the strongest. You have no control, no say. The day keeps those thoughts away, keeps the little bit of fake happiness shining alive. They say that we prefer to be alone but it's not true, Human interaction is what keeps our thoughts absent... keeps our minds distracted from what we don't want to be thinking.  (Oxytocin, that underrated stress hormone that makes you want to search for social support and interaction, yeah it works here too.) The monsters we didn't want existing. They’re there, their waiting ... To try and push you over the edge. It's a war  and we're the lone warriors in our minds but there are people out there that can help and if you know someone or believe someone is in this boat, help, listen, support, don't leave them to their thoughts. Get them help because like me, they were most likely to scared to seek or ask for it. 

But day by day, I make changes, I make a choice to be different from what I once was. I no longer rely on someone'e approval or silent expressions of judgement. I am who I am and I do not require the opinion of another to dictate my life & either do you. If you accept who you are as a person and love yourself, it shows. It beams off your face and there will always be that something different about you , and let me tell you something, that makes you unique; not weird, or strange but unique. Own it! One day, you will do great things, and you're different because you were made to do things no one else can. Own it, Embrace it, Love it !  

Everyone has something that keeps them sane; writing, music, creative work and my silence, keeps me a little sane.  Now find your way. 

Great Minds think alike...I dont think so

 I'm always hearing the phrase " Great minds think alike" constantly when two people have the same thought. Each time I heard it, it was like whatever " I guess it makes sense" but lately its really hit me that " Great Minds DON'T think alike".

if you really think about it hard enough and compare great minds and also criminal minds (cause face it, some of these people are pretty smart when it comes to really plotting out their crimes and then making the feds run around for clues and come up empty handed, you really need a "great mind" to keep clean with all the technology that's come out in this day and age.) Ow ow back on track to the main thought, for the past couple of days this same persisting thought has been going through my mind.

Great minds are attracted by their differences,  what one mind thinks the other disagrees and together their differences create an even better thought, as that opposed to before. Their differences are what attract them to each other. If two people share the same thinking pattern or train of thought then the outcome of a problem or solution to that problem would be the same. And nothing much would come out of that.

Within Psychology, many theories became to be because those other great minds questioned and derived their own theory from the theory of another, basically saying that  within one thought many more different thoughts can be created and thought up but only by those that have that difference in mind and dare to question the others thoughts. No I am not talking in the context of two people arguing over one another's opinions but in the sense that great minds have the ability to extend or add to another great thought.  

Great minds will think differently to create or in their words "give birth to" a great thought. they cancel each others flaws out to create perfection.

Mediocre minds oppress those with great minds because small and great minds see themselves on the margins of life... Mediocre minds perceive themselves as the norm, on account that not everyone can think that far outside the box like great minds but cant be too confined in a small box of thoughts like a small mind , which is believed at that level to be the negative thoughts towards everything in life. Small minds see every aspect of life as one way and alternates while their opposite Great minds see even the most complex factors to be further looked at, questioned and broken down into more narrowed down thoughts that can also be further broken down and questioned as well.

To be a Great Mind, You must never fear of what may become of the questions you possess. And if someone dare to analyze your thoughts more, think of it as another Great Mind ... just doing their thing ;)   

Words from one of the Greatest Minds

There is a quote that absolutely sums up everything about Great Minds and Small Minds and here it is

 there is a simple but impossible thought that comes to mind but that too only to certain individuals. that thought is that small minds are too concerned with what is said but is not seen or been proven; also known as the extraordinary. While on the other hand, Great minds try to find the extraordinary within the ordinary  because the simple thought is that even within something that is seen and lost; its wonder, hold even more awe and mystery to it. To find such wonder, takes a great deal of patience and understanding that something amazing will never reveal itself too soon because even it has its own respect to reveal its wonders on its own time.


Great Minds, we will never think alike but we will conquer!! together !