Well from what you'll be reading a piece of it...majority of
them are just my thoughts and this is my way of dealing with it. I WRITE for my
own sanity.
For
the longest time, all I remember is always feeling useless, worthless, nothing
much to offer to the world or to my family, and to be honest
even till this day it’s never changed; I still feel that way. I suffered from depression from grade 6 and onwards, suicide came much later in my life.
aha,
the funniest thing is, I can't tell anyone that, people see me as a happy, quiet person and letting them know my indifference in thought, would
throw me some pretty different reactions and I’m not ready to ever deal with
that. I can also add that; I am not too sure if I will be publishing this or
not. But if I do, I don't know, I guess I was feeling gutsy or I have totally
lost my marbles; and in all excuses, I might have accidentally published instead
of save (likely not the case)
Nowadays,
people see someone complaining about their problems or even asking for help as
seeking attention or "attention seeker" and I don't need that. Majority of my life, I've refused to ever let anyone know the things I go
through. I will listen to anyone's problems and I will happily give
advice but I will never complain or let anyone feel pity for me.
Truth to the matter is, that no one genuinely cares to know "how you are
doing?”, they ask just to be polite; so giving a generic answer is to spare the
rolling eyes and heavy sighs.
I’m
quiet and that's cause I’m always thinking, just about life and how I’m going
to survive and whether I’ll get where I want to be in life. Even strong people
have mental breakdowns and sadly, I have more of those than I would like.
In a personal view, I saw having one mental breakdown as okay, it is a part of life; in
most cases, it brings people a little bit back to reality as opposed to being in
lucid thoughts for a long period.
Back to what I was saying...
Suicide,
now that's something else. And may the souls of people that have
committed suicide, I pray you all RIP :(. You all had beautiful
lives and sadly, something pushed you so far to do such a thing. If only
someone was there for you to understand, but not all of us are fortunate like
that. Love the life you have, you only get one and many are short lived.
Suicidal
thoughts... It's like having something creep up on you and hit you...multiple
times at once. All the failures, fears, built up emotions; bombarding your brain
simultaneously. It’s like anxiety, multiplied to maximum levels. You can't view
anything in a positive manner and the best thing we do is to fake the
happiness. Depression and suicide are categorized together on a regular basis
but understand this though; they are highly correlated but there are those few
outliers, where these two are total opposites.
Depression; feeling like nothing is going right and you must live like this for the rest of
your life, and having the death thought is totally outside the box; these people
still have their external emotions intact, their depression hits them when they
are left alone with their thoughts, when something in their day goes off
course. They suppress the depression because the emotions they feel when around
ones they are fond of over take those of depression.
With
suicide... it’s a whole different concept, this is a constant thought that
keeps running though their mind. It never stops! you could be displaying
socially constructed proved behaviours but your thoughts are eating at you and
unfortunately people fall victim to the thoughts and take their own lives. For
me, my serious fear of death or to be medically correct my thanatophobia, keeps
me from this and in all honesty, it is one of the things I am grateful for, yes
my fear of death is mortifying but it has kept me from the worst mistake I
could ever make. I know someone is thinking right now that " how are those
different? they still sound the same" I have one thing to say to you ... I
AM THAT OUTLIER. For them...it is a totally different feeling and I can tell
the difference between them. My depression is one that I experience more than
the other and my suicidal thoughts I have no control over but thank God I don't
have those very often. Tbh, it is very rare but it unfortunately occurs. I can't
help it and it’s something I know I must live with. I have gotten good at
suppressing it but there is only so much I can do.
It
has taken me a long time to be where I am today and let me tell you when they
say it’s the struggle that makes you ... no joke! My struggle made me who I am
today and many things I am not proud of but looking at my bricked path I can
say I came a very long way. I am not as shy or reserved as I once was. I look at the world as a place full of secrets that have not been revealed, and need to be searched for. What one sees as the night sky being just pitch black with a million little dots, I see souls, dreams, hope, a view into unknown territories of space, believing that somewhere out there; there is someone looking back at me from their world and possibly seeking and wondering the same as me. They say that there are about 7 people in the world that have the same or similar face as you and I always thought that if their were only 7 here, imagine the millions out there. I could never keep my thoughts to the ground or in the box.... I was always stuck in my mind, in space, in places only few dare to wander.
I
have been through a lot in my life, and to this day; I don't understand myself as
to why I am still an optimistic person. When I was a kid, I was trouble
and as I got older, I had a serious identity crisis. I didn't know who I was or
why the situations occurring were happening to me. For many reasons and out of
respect, I won't say what happened because it’s not my story line to tell but it
was scary. I have witnessed things no child ... no one, for that matter; should
see stuff like that, but it happens ... like phenomenas that you'd only see in
movies; horror or sci-fi to be exact.
yeah, you read that right.
Thinking about it now, it seems unreal but it happened on more than one
occasion. Now after the unfortunate events occurred. Life went back to normal
or what was left of my thoughts towards normalcy. Life went on and then the
sadly obvious things happened. Many periods in my life, I was bullied, to points
where I completely hated myself, I didn't understand why I even existed. It was a war zone in my mind and I was dying in the process. Suicidal
thoughts did creep up on me and many times I considered it. I always thought; If I just
did this, then I would have been free. Not having to deal with the cruel people
around me and just be a free spirit. I would not feel like the waste of space that I was. I would not cause people any pain or annoyance with my existence around them. I always felt like I was unwanted everywhere I went. It killed me inside. I never had anyone to really talk to and writing become my safe haven. My pen and paper could not judge me but showed me the mistakes in ways that would not hurt me. The keys and the sound of typing, gave me a comfort, I was free to say what i wanted with the unwanted expressions.
Enough
about me (even though I'm talking about myself, but I'm trying to make this
relatable for the ones that need it, you are not alone.)
You
know when it creeps up, its the worst. You fear the night cause that's when it
comes on the strongest. You have no control, no say. The day keeps those
thoughts away, keeps the little bit of fake happiness shining alive. They say
that we prefer to be alone but it's not true, Human interaction is what keeps
our thoughts absent... keeps our minds distracted from what we don't want to be
thinking. (Oxytocin, that underrated stress hormone that makes you want to search for social support and interaction, yeah it works here too.) The monsters we didn't want existing. They’re there, their waiting
... To try and push you over the edge. It's a war and we're the lone warriors in our minds but there are people out there that can help and if you know someone or believe someone is in this boat, help, listen, support, don't leave them to their thoughts. Get them help because like me, they were most likely to scared to seek or ask for it.
But day by day, I make changes, I make a choice to be different from what I once was. I no longer rely on someone'e approval or silent expressions of judgement. I am who I am and I do not require the opinion of another to dictate my life & either do you. If you accept who you are as a person and love yourself, it shows. It beams off your face and there will always be that something different about you , and let me tell you something, that makes you unique; not weird, or strange but unique. Own it! One day, you will do great things, and you're different because you were made to do things no one else can. Own it, Embrace it, Love it !
Everyone
has something that keeps them sane; writing, music, creative work and my
silence, keeps me a little sane. Now find your way.
